Papa, tell me ‘bout the good old days.
Sometimes it feels like this world’s gone crazy. I wish you were here to take me back to yesterday, when the line between right and wrong didn’t seem so hazy.
Papa, did lovers really fall in love to stay and stand beside each other, come what may? Was a promise really something people kept, not just something they would say and then forget? Did families really bow their heads to pray, and did daddies really never go away? Papa, I wish you were here to tell me ‘bout the good old days.
It’s as if the universe granted me a sign, one to make sure that I knew GOD hears my prayers. A moment where giving thanks, falls on your day, a time where I am in spiritual need. It is a day that I am reminded to accept the things I cannot change, to find courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference, my serenity. Today, national play day with dad, national mourning day, Thanksgiving Day, and YOUR Birthday; today you put all I need in your hands, to show me that you are with me. It is a love without end, no matter the distance, and it has always been like that.
Every time I was pregnant, my immediate thought was getting my children down to see you for a picture. It sounds awful when I say it out loud, as if your death was being plotted around, but it wasn’t. The thought of you leaving this earth without meeting one of them, was just not something I could handle, I needed those memories. I was blessed to make sure that it happened and naming my youngest after you was the greatest decision I ever made. Zakai Nyx Illis will walk in a hero’s footsteps. I remember being in labor with him, and my last FaceTime call before his arrival was with you and Aunt Jacqueline. You told me I was beautiful, that you were proud of me and that I would always be your number one baby girl. You never fooled any of us grand kids and we knew you told us all the same line, we never fought once about it though, because we knew you loved us all so much.
I was 10 years old in the front yard on the swing with you when a red mustang gt drove by and I said papa, that’s my favorite car. You told me you were going to buy me one, one day, and to mark your words. In the back of my mind, I never really knew if it would happen, but I knew if you could make it happen you would. You never forgot, not under any circumstance, or age, you always told me you were still going to get me one, and I never told anyone. Throughout your exchanging of sports cars in my life you stumbled upon a green mustang gt, and you called me, you told me, I got that mustang for you. I had no words; I could not really take a car from you, and you insisted I drive down and take it. A couple of years went by, and you called me to tell me that you had to get rid of it, you were driving down the road and a tractor doing work in the road blocked you from moving forward. You said you sat there for a little bit, and they were just taking too long. You told me you put that car in reverse, slammed it in first, started to burn rubber and sunk that puppy in the drain gutter of the road trying to whip it sideways out of there; classic. You told me it had front end damage that was getting worked on and to not tell anyone, and that I needed to either come get the car or you were getting rid of it; it was just time to let it go though. You were always full of stories and by the end of them, I was peeing my pants, your attitude with age was consistent, and no one was going to tell you nothin! Your hearing aids also made you feel as if because you couldn’t hear them, then they couldn’t hear you, it was quite wonderful to be honest. “Don’t be pinning that shit on me man,” is the most classic line of all.
When I speak about you Papa, I think ‘bout the good old days. Happy Heavenly Birthday, I know heaven was needing a hero, and I cannot be mad at them for that. You are truly missed. I love you.
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone, I hope you cherish the ones that you can in the moments that you are given because tomorrow is not promised. I cannot change the things that are occurring around me, I cannot change the fact that my children have been denied the things they deserve, or the things that belong to them. I can change the fact that we don’t have to tolerate it anymore though. It is with thanks that I give to those who showed their true colors. I am thankful for those who celebrate my strength and my children’s resilience. I am thankful for my mother and step-father who make sure that we want for nothing. I am thankful for my brother, who would in a split second give his life for mine. I am thankful for my children who give me the strength to keep moving forward. I am thankful for a solid foundation to the beginning of a new future. Family.Friends.Future. xoxo
